1,043,761 Buffoons in London

Okay, it’s a popular vote, more people voted for Boris than Ken, so we’ve got Boris as Mayor for four years. Hands up, how many of you voted for him for the hilarity of the idea?

I’ve just had a good read through backboris.com – here are the main points from Boris’ manifesto – here’s how we can judge his success in four years time.

Goodbye gang culture – in 2007, 27 teenagers were murdered in London. Boris is pouring so much money into the problem that it will magically disappear.

Hello disruptive youths. The current policy is that disruptive youths have their Oyster cards removed. Soon we’ll see a policy to have them do community work to ‘win’ their free travel back. Leopards are equally good at changing their spots.

Hello Crime Map. It fits in well with the noise map, the pollution map and all of the other maps available online which show how good the area you live in is.

Hello Policeman/woman. We’re going to get twice as many Police officers to patrol busses in Outer London. Where from?

Hello Policeman/woman. We’re getting 50 extra BTP officers to patrol the worst stations in London. Which ones are they then?

Hello live bus tracking – now I can see how far the bus is from me before I leave home. Shame the vast majority of buses in London run at least one every ten minutes already – just take a book.

Goodbye bendy bus – Londoners were too lazy to adjust their skills to deal with you, so we’ve spent all this money on you and now you’re to be phased out. I’m sure you’ll get a good price when sold on to the relatively low number of right-hand-drive cities who have use for you. I don’t mind millions of pounds of my council tax being spent on replacing a brand spanking new fleet of buses with more new buses.

Hello Underground. Johnson wants to rescue to tube from the failed PPP scheme devised by Gordon Brown. Livingstone was against that too – it’s a watertight deal you buffoon – the only way you’ll remove PPP from the tube is if you make all of the PPP companies go bust. Boris doing this will enable the vital upgrades to go ahead – are those the same vital upgrades already in progress – such as the Victoria line, crossrail etc?

Hello safer cycle parking. I thought there were enough cycle parking spaces already in Central London – now we’re getting more street furniture to trip over.

Goodbye £25 congestion charge – now the super rich Tories in their polluting 4×4 vehicles are just as polluting as a small 1.1L car.

Hello congestion – Boris will re-phase traffic lights so London moves faster. According to backboris.com “to achieve this, I will lobby government for powers to fine utility companies that run overtime when digging up the roads.” What has Thames Water got to do with traffic lights?

We’re getting longer trains, more of them, and Oyster at every station. Oh, Ken had already made headway on that one with Oyster already appearing at every station.

Hello Freedom Pass – except it’s only guaranteed for the elderly, not the disabled anymore – unless you’re an injured veteran (of what?)

Goodbye Heathrow 3rd Runway – Boris doesn’t want you. We’ll just have to get more and more planes on the two existing runways and compromise safety instead.

Hello Oxford Street Tram, Boris is going to continue to invest in the projects Ken set out, including the Oxford Street Tram, East London Line Phase 2, DLR and Transit extensions and the Crossrail to Ebbsfleet.

Hello Money! Boris is going to pay Londoners to recycle!

10,000 trees are going to be planted!

More cyclists on the streets – just give up hope if you’re a pedestrian at a crossing waiting for the lights to change – of course they were re-phased to keep the traffic moving!

We’re in the money – London is such a large city not all of the taxes we pay is spent on the city itself – some of it is farmed out to improve other parts of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Well, it was. Now we’ve got a Mayor who wants to keep London’s cash within London. That’ll screw up the finances of the rest of the country then.

Boris will protect London’s historic views – except those are already enshrined in Law.

Hello age-friendly London! It’s against the law to discriminate against people on the grounds of age – but Boris wants to make London ‘age friendly’ – does this mean the old people will have problems clambering on your new routemasters then Boris?

Hello Olympic Legacy! Apparently the facilities will last for ages – it would have been a bit of a waste if they were left to go derelict after the games – no real change on any other party’s policy there then.

Boris is going to highlight for us what type of healthcare we’re getting – the information is already out there, but he’s going to tell us where it is (it’s on the NHS website, you bloody buffoon).

Boris is considering a healthcare model similar to the USA. Don’t they pay for their healthcare in the USA Boris?

Boris will make our streets and open spaces safe for people to use. Oh yes, London is so unsafe I don’t go outdoors. I can’t wait for the day I can walk to McDonalds without fear of an old lady mugging me for my burger money.

Boris will stand up for all Londoners, whether issues fall under his Mayoral remit or not.

There’s a lot here. There’s a lot of faffing about to be done before he can put most of it in place, but this post has the key points of Boris’ manifesto. Lets judge him on his progress on all of these items before we decide who can be Mayor of London from 2012 onwards.